In many situations (the supermarket, at home, in the park, etc.) our children exhibit behavioral problems, and on many of these occasions, many parents end up thinking they're doing something wrong, since it seems to work for everyone else except them. They also often feel unlucky, as other parents have less success with their own approach.
One of the most common behavioral problems is tantrums, screaming and crying, which is usually done to get the attention of parents, older people, classmates or friends who are around them.
Sometimes parents don't know how to act to control the situation; they react spontaneously, and this doesn't always help to improve the conflict. In fact, many times they can end up reinforcing the behavior they want to eliminate.
For this reason, it is advisable to find time to reflect on what happened, analyzing what the causes were and what the consequences were.
First, we'll consider whether our child has a particular temperament that might predispose them to inappropriate behavior. If so, we'll need to be patient and, with the right guidance, exercise strong willpower and self-control, thus avoiding getting upset and losing our temper. We must accept that our child isn't like the idealized child in advertisements, but they can become that way.
We must also keep in mind that sometimes unwanted behavior appears because our child has not yet learned to tolerate frustration, and when we contradict him, he freezes up in negative situations and persists in that behavior.
Secondly, we must have a strategy planned in advance, avoiding improvising responses on the fly, based on our mood which most of the time makes it worse.
Thirdly, the prior strategy must be agreed upon by both parents.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO IN A CONFLICT SITUATION?
1- We need to try to distract him from the situation that caused the conflict.
2- Only pay attention to appropriate behaviors; the rest of the manifestations should be ignored with absolute indifference.
3- The situation must be prevented by explaining what is expected of their behavior. The instruction will be given assertively and while maintaining distance, preventing instincts from playing tricks on us.
4- It should never be taken personally (he does it on purpose to annoy me), nor should we label him (this child must be a pest), we should concentrate solely on modifying the inappropriate behavior.
HOW TO ACT IN THE EVENT OF A TANTRUM.
It is essential to prevent the child from achieving the purpose of the tantrum, because if we buy him something or give in to his demands to make him quiet, he will learn that to get what he wants it is necessary to put on a show.
What we must do is the following:
1. The extinction of the behaviorWhile the tantrum lasts, avoid giving the child any attention. Don't let compassion get the better of you and give in to the child.
Most likely, when you start ignoring their behavior, the tantrum will intensify (they'll cry louder, kick more, scream more). But don't worry, above all, don't give in to the tantrum. If you consistently ignore it, it will gradually disappear.
2. Time out or Think Cornerr: We will need to explain to him beforehand what will happen to him when his behavior is inappropriate.
Next, we'll choose a neutral, unstimulating space where they can't be distracted (the hallway, the entryway). We'll never choose their bedroom or the dining room, as these will likely contain distractions. They need to identify this corner as a place to think and learn to calm down.
Once the thinking corner is chosen, we'll leave the child there (never for more than five minutes) and briefly give them our attention with a short message: "We know you can do better. Your parents love you very much and are going to teach you to behave well. When you calm down, you can come out and we'll talk." One minute per year is recommended. This time will begin counting after the child stops crying; while they are crying, we will continue to ignore them. This is very important, as it allows them to leave their thinking corner before they stop crying, making them think that to get out of their corner they have to make a scene.
3. Help model behavior: We reinforce our child every time they react without a tantrum, praising them when their behavior is appropriate. This way, we are showing them that they are reacting well to a frustrating situation.
Finally, I'd like to mention that it's important to teach appropriate behaviors when dealing with frustration, such as smiling before getting angry, using positive phrases, and teaching them how to breathe properly. And when can we teach them this? Through play!