As my colleague Javier Urra states in his book (The Little Dictator), being a parent means striving to raise children well; this requires love, logic, technique, art, and knowledge. A difficult task, but not impossible.
Therefore, being parents means assuming that education is constant, more through actions than words, that education is the fuel of the soul, and that it is necessary to educate oneself in altruism, self-control, and self-discipline, enriching emotional competence.
Lately, we can observe how society has undergone a radical shift, from an authoritarian patriarchal relationship model to one excessively child-centered, without repression. Families have become more permissive. They have lost the necessary elements of restraint in a child's life. Children have become despotic in their family relationships, and this behavior can extend to school.
Giving children everything (toys, money, objects), letting them do whatever they want, giving in to their desires, is a mistake, because it will make them selfish, capricious, and spoiled. Children's behavior doesn't appear by chance.
The desire to be the center of attention, to be the center of attention, and to test boundaries is quite natural in children between the ages of 4 and 8. The problem arises when it becomes a constant and unchecked behavior. In some cases, these are children whose parents have showered them with excessive attention. They have been given few limits. They haven't been taught to respect time or rules. That's why they interrupt adult conversations or perform "funny" acts to get everyone's attention.
This scenario often coincides with overprotective parents, where the child assumes a central role and becomes the despot of the household, demanding to dictate schedules and preferences, even choosing television programs. The egocentrism fostered by making them the center of attention both within the family and in consumer society leads them to reject the notion that others (parents, siblings, peers, etc.) exist and have their own rights. Therefore, upon reaching adolescence, some react with violence or develop other pathologies because reality seems intolerable to them.
Thus, teachers, psychologists, and sociologists agree that this radical change in society is due to a lack of time for parenting, a lack of educational guidelines, and perhaps a lack of maturity in today's parents. Psychoanalyst Ch. Oliver comments that nowadays, children are expected and desired, but parents only seek their smiles and not the problems they cause. And to raise children, one must know how to say no!
For healthy personality development and social interaction, a balance must be struck between a child's need to make demands on others and their ability to recognize the demands others make on them. This process begins during the first year of life, which is crucial but not irreversible for a child's development.
Discipline becomes a very real aspect of a child's second year of life, although a good disciplinary foundation should have been established much earlier through responsible care and the gradual establishment of routines. The notions of right and wrong, and the ability to see things from another's point of view, must be nurtured first and foremost by the parents. This development, the first and most important step in a child's socialization, occurs when a willingness to do what is asked of them develops. The child's trust and affection for their parents is critical, as it ensures that the child is essentially on the same side as those who are teaching them life's moral lessons (rules).
However, children who always do what they want (they don't pick up their toys and if forced they cry, or throw a tantrum, they don't want to go to bed alone, and if their parents do it they cry,…) may interpret that permissiveness as indifference: they feel that nothing they do is important enough for their parents to care.
Most parents use disciplinary methods based on a few basic approaches: erratic or permissive, authoritarian, overprotective, and democratic models.
Erratic or permissive model:
Type: Identify the child's attitudes and behaviors. Permissiveness and passivity. Unrestricted freedom. Dissatisfaction with the child as a person. Failure to provide an effective role model. Ambivalence. Inconsistency.
Parental beliefs: As parents, we must make our children happy and obedient. Consequences that upset them are ineffective. Children cooperate if they believe it is right.
They generate in their children: Socially maladaptive behaviors. Difficulty fitting into non-permissive groups. Feelings of lack of affection. Insecurity, anxiety. Low self-esteem and self-control. Disdain for educators. Lack of rules. Dependency, disrespect, egocentrism. Children believe their parents must serve them. Attitudes that test boundaries, challenge rules and authority. They exhaust their parents.
ResponsibilitiesThe parents solve the problems. They are solved through persecution. The children always win. The children understand that the parents must solve their problems.
Power and control: of the children.
Authoritarian model.
Type: Fearful submission to parental demands. Strict, domineering, and severe treatment. Coercion, force, and emotional blackmail are used… ridicule, overcorrection, and reproach. “They learn if it hurts.” Instrumental support is offered, but distorted by the parent's tension. The child is not free to express themselves or behave. Limits without freedom. Successes are not reinforced; failures are punished. Negative labels are attached to their personality.
Parental beliefsParents hold authority and must enforce it with or without the cooperation of their children. Their criteria will prevail when they become parents themselves.
They generate in their children: Perception of parents as hostile. Resentment. Failure in social competence variables. Lack of spontaneity and self-orientation. Attribution of behavior to external sources of control. Difficulty internalizing moral and ethical values. Low achievement motivation. Poor academic performance. Poor socio-emotional adjustment. Aggression and defiance. Anger, stubbornness, vindictiveness, introversion, and fearful submission.
LiabilityProblems are solved by force. Parents always win. They are the ones who decide and resolve everything. Children think their parents should solve their problems. Their methods for solving them are harmful.
Power and control; parental.
Monopoly/overprotection model.
TypeExclusive. Paternal anxiety. Lack of confidence.
Parental beliefsChildren should be cared for, protected, and pampered at all times while they live in their parents' home. They will grow up and take responsibility for themselves when they are older.
It generates in the childrenDependency. Lack of initiative. Selfishness. Intolerance. Tyranny. Social maladjustment
LiabilityIt's up to the parents. The children are a blank slate, they are dependent. The philosophy is "everything for the children but without the children."
Inductive model of support/democratic.
TypeAuthority in dialogue. Love. Sensitivity. Understanding. Seeks voluntary obedience, internal control. Creates an atmosphere of freedom within limits. The family is a source of well-being.
Parents' beliefs: Parents often think children can solve problems on their own. Children need to be allowed to choose and make decisions so they can learn the consequences. Children will cooperate if they are encouraged to do so.
It generates in children: Well-adjusted individuals. Self-confidence. Inductive behavior. Independence. Assertion. Personal responsibility. Valued social behaviors. Responsibility and cooperation.
Responsibility: Problems are solved cooperatively, with parents and children working together. Everyone wins. Everyone respects each other.
Power and control; Depending on how they can handle the situation, he delegates it to them.
Of the disciplinary models mentioned, those currently used by parents of children with behavioral problems or even tyrants are the overprotection model and the permissive model.
Below are two videos from well-known television programs, Supernanny (Rocío Ramos) and Big Brother (Pedro García). As you will see, our protagonists exhibit behavioral problems, which often drive parents to the brink of despair. As we have already mentioned, these problems stem from a lack of time parents dedicate to their children's upbringing, a lack of educational guidelines, and perhaps a lack of maturity in today's parents. In short, these are children or teenagers who, when they were younger, were allowed to do whatever they wanted by their parents, without setting limits or giving them responsibilities.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKsHz7Ev7BY[/youtube]
Look at the guidelines Rocío Ramos uses to re-educate our protagonists. They are as simple as setting limits, giving responsibilities… and in this way, making them aware that when they don't follow the rules established at home, they are punished. It's a way for our children to see that it's not the parents who punish them, but rather that they are actually punishing themselves by not following the rules.
[googlevideo]http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6276275283800960085&hl=es&emb=1#[/googlevideo]
Sources:
- Behavioral disorders in childhood and adolescence. Herbert, M.
- Obedient parents, tyrannical children. A generation more concerned with friendship than with their role as parents. Prado, E. and Amaya, J.
- Family models; understanding and resolving problems between parents and children. Nardone, G
- The Little Dictator. Urra J.
- Images: www.crecerfeliz.es
- Videoswww.cuatro.com
Recommendations:
- The Little Dictator. Urra J.
- Educating with common sense. Urra, J